How is it possible to be connected to so many people and still feel so alone?
Why do we seek security and shelter and validation in other people instead of ourselves?
Why does society emphasize the need for partnership over loving ourselves?
How can we learn to be whole again? Or at least remember that we are already whole…
In each of us is both the divine feminine and the divine masculine. Because of roles that society has created and we’ve all agreed to, subconsciously or not, we are usually pretty imbalanced.
We tend to seek this balance outside of ourselves, and usually in romantic relationships. (Friendships and family too)
We look outside of ourselves to fill up the pieces that are out of alignment or out of balance within ourselves.
This is the first time in 10 years that I have truly been on my own. Single - I hear thats what its called.
Why? I’m a sucker for companionship, I guess. Or maybe just scared to be alone.
You know, it’s pretty amazing how we end up recreating the relationships we grew up seeing. Even if we think we’re not doing so, these beliefs about love and how to treat one another and ourselves become so deeply embedded in how we attract partners and give/ receive love.
And on that note, relationships are inextricably linked to our self-worth. We receive the love that we think we deserve.
Not to negate the value of any of my past relationships but it was not until recently that I started requiring respect as an integral part of my relationships. Only took 10 years of dating to figure that one out.
I gave myself away entirely, because that’s what I grew up watching my mom do. No boundaries or value of one’s self or time or needs or wants. I made myself unimportant. And I attracted partners who were dominant, manipulative, and addicts for the most part. Because that’s how little I valued myself. How could anyone else possibly value me, if I didn’t even think I was important?
Awareness. Awareness is the key and the answer. Knowing ourselves. Taking time to unravel our deeply engrained beliefs and bring old wounds and stories to the surface so they can be transformed and released. To honestly look at yourself, with compassion, understanding, and a willingness to change.
Of course I have learned so much from each relationship I’ve been in. So much about myself and what is important to me and who I am and how I show up.
Most recently I’ve learned that I am pretty terrified of being alone. Thankfully that terror is subsiding. Even when I would vocalize that I didn’t want to be in a relationship, I found myself slipping into the comfort of having someone to constantly talk to or hang out with.
Why can’t I feel fulfilled being alone? Well, I’m working on it.
I used to think being alone somehow meant that I wasn’t good enough, and that I always needed a partner to show up with. Now I realize that standing on my own two feet is really fucking powerful.
My coach, Monique Evans, did an exercise with me today. She had me close my eyes and call forth the energy of both my divine masculine and my divine feminine. Seeing them as perfect and powerful and whole as they truly are. She asked where my feminine was out of balance, and for my masculine to realign the feminine side of me, internally. Then we did the same with the feminine realigning my masculine. I could feel the duality become one and then integrate back into my body. I felt whole. Complete.
Like maybe I don’t need someone else to make me feel any kind of way - beautiful, or loved, or valuable. Maybe I need to see and feel and know those things about myself first.
I don’t think it’ll happen overnight, the whole falling in love with myself thing, and being ok on my own thing, but I think it’s already starting to happen now.
It’s going to take a daily practice of self love. That also means allowing myself to feel all the emotions along the way, as uncomfortable as they are. It means taking myself on dates. Drinking wine alone. Taking baths. Journaling. Solo dance parties. Getting outside. Meditating. Painting. Reigniting all of my passions. And thank goodness for Bodhi, because I am definitely upping my dose of daily puppy love too.
I usually tend to be a private person when it comes to affairs of the heart, but I felt like there would be so much more value in me learning these lessons if I was able to share them with you.
I know what its like to feel lonely and alone and like no one else could possibly be going through the same thing.
But I just wanted to end this by reminding you (& let’s be real - myself) that confusion, heartbreak, loneliness, discomfort, fear and uncertainty are just a few of the myriad of emotions all humans feel at some point or another. Growth happens in the deepest part of the discomfort and we end up on the other side with more clarity and understanding.
So if you’re ever feeling alone, try to remind yourself that you are not. You are loved and supported by forces unseen. Bring your attention back to your breath and the present moment and listen for the beat of your heart. Its reminding you that you are alive. Here, in this human body, for a reason. To learn and to grow and to feel and to love and to really really love yourself first.