I've always felt like an outsider looking in. Like I didn't really have a place, and when I thought I did, it never quite fit right. Like squishing a circle into a square, or an ill fitting pair of trousers. A little too tight in some places, and hanging off my frame in others. I always felt a bit disconnected. Like I could never really get into all the things everyone else was getting into. I would rather just sit outside the circle and observe. And daydream and doodle and observe and occasionally interject, but there was a lot of fear of judgement there too.
I've always felt a little different, especially than the people my age. Growing up was weird, because you're clumped in with a bunch of other humans that you're expected to interact with because you are all born around the same time, but that never really did it for me.
I wanted to hang out with my friend's parents at sleepovers. I never really had a clique.
Right now, I'm right in the middle of another teacher training. This one for Yoga Nidra. Yoga Nidra is, to my understanding and experience, another kind of meditation that deals with the most gentle and profound form of healing on a subconscious level of the mind. It is a gateway to remain conscious in altered states of consciousness. Surfing the brain waves from Beta to Alpha to Theta and even Delta.
For me, it is a highly visual and sensational practice. I am able to access deep layers of my subconscious mind, recalling visions of my birth, being in the womb, even my first heart beat and peeks into past lives.
This is work that I have allowed myself to be open to. I believe we are multi dimensional creatures inhabiting a multi dimensional universe. We have been programmed to close ourselves off to these understandings because they disrupt the ability of those in power to control us. We are the key holders to the shackles of our freedom. (woah)
2 days ago, we got to experience a 2-part sound bath. The first part was conducted with the intention to LET GO. We wrote down on a piece of paper what we are trying to let go of. I wrote DOUBT, HESITATION & FEAR. The sounds that accompanied this intention were tribal, guttural, and I could feel them deep in my body. The second part of the sound bath, we wrote down what we want to cultivate more of in our lives. The power of sound helps attach our intentions to our subconscious minds as well. I wrote TRAVEL, CREATIVITY & ABUNDANCE. The sounds I heard next were like those of little angels flitting about. Large wings expanding and collapsing. Light bells.
Some time during all of this, and now I can't pin point the exact moment, I had a vision of myself as a child, an infant really.
My parents were never married, and their relationship was ending as I was coming into the world. My dad married soon after I was born to a woman who never really wanted me there. I threatened her relationship with my father because I represented a love before her.
I had this feeling, this deep sad feeling, of "I don't belong." "I shouldn't be here." "I am a burden." "I don't belong." This kept playing over and over in my mind. I felt this ache in my body to dissolve into nothing. To erase my existence. I have carried this belief with me for 26 years. Its been repeating over and over in my mind so consistently, that I could no longer hear it. It just was. This is what we call a limiting belief.
It was time to let this go.
In that moment, I finally realized what my Sankalpa (an intention or resolve) is. "I belong." I would have to retrain my subconscious mind, something I am doing now, to fully know and understand that I DO BELONG.
We all do. We are not here by accident. We have a purpose. And that purpose is to connect and grow and create.