Whenever I stare at a blank page, my fingers are either barely able to keep up with the onslaught of thoughts, words, descriptions, and musings that my mind conjours, or I just stare… into pure... nothingness.
I guess that’s one way to quiet your mind. Trying to decipher what it is you really want to say.
Well I know what I want this to be, even if the words haven't landed on the page. A diary of sorts. A way for me to remember and share a time in my life. An experience that I believe is going to have a profound effect on the rest of my existence and on every person I come into contact with.
I am writing to you now from row 7 on flight 24 to JFK, New York City, baby! Somewhere over Indiana, and over 34,000 feet in the air, I am marking this the start of a new chapter in my life. I am on my way to Brooklyn, New York, to partake in a meditation teacher training course, led by Jonni Pollard, co-founder of 1 Giant Mind, for the next 11 days.
I am currently emptying myself of expectations. Of doubt. Of fear. as best as I can so as to be the most receptive vessel to the information I am about to receive and download. Yeehaw!
Meditation has been extremely valuable to me over the past few years, but before I befriended the practice, it was a dark, and looming shadow of the unknown. I was terrified to even think about meditating. I couldn’t tell you exactly w h a t was holding me back, but in the back of my mind (and sometimes the very front) I always carried the belief that I was a let down, destined for failure. That I was not good enough. Or worthy of true happiness. Or love. That I was actually a bad person and deserved misery and abuse.
I was honestly terrified of what kinds of thoughts would rear their ugly heads if I just sat there and let them run free. I look back at some of the journals I kept when I was younger, and despite most people believing I was a happy, positive girl, in (my) reality, I was just falling victim to the clutches of my mind. To the dictator that is the ego. Thankfully, now I understand that the ego isn’t real. BUT when you’re living in that place, where fading into nothingness sounds more appealing than waking up and functioning, it feels as real as anything else. For anyone out there who sees where I am now, and reads the words I write, and feels like it is unattainable to be happy and free, I want you to know that on so many occasions, I *wished* I could just crawl into a hole somewhere deep in the earth and dissolve, not wanting to face another day.
But I did it. All those days where I hated myself and the people around me for loving and believing in me, I did it. I faced another day, and here we are now.
So I decided to share my experience of these next few weeks through these ‘diary entries’ and maybe through video as well.
I expect it to mostly be a rambling of sorts. My reflections. Old shit that comes up that I probably don't want to deal with, but will anyways. Actually, you know what? It’s time for …
* A letter to the Universe *
Dear Universe, I am ready to face whatever it is you have stashed up your sleeve. I am ready to look at myself with honest eyes and open arms. With no judgment. With no attachment. Any fears of mine? I don't want them anymore, you can have them back. On second thought, I’d rather you just destroy them altogether. Whatever karma that I have not cleared, in this life, or lives past, I am ready (ok, maybe not ready, but willing) to face it now and let go of it - for good. I want to be of better service to myself and to this world. Through my suffering, I have learned so much, and found light where there used to be none. I know people are in pain. People are broken and feel alone. I am here, still standing, and now thriving, so that I can be that light for others who haven't figured out how to ignite that flame. Please send me your angels for guidance and protection, I will be on the look out for your signs. With all my love, M
Ok back to our regularly scheduled programming…
I’m excited to share with you like this. Not to give you 5 tips to be a better morning person (Hey, I actually did write a blog post on that!) but to just be me. And to be real in a world that thrives off of superficial everything.
This is me. My inner world. My perspective.
I used to care ( A LOT ) about how others would perceive me, and I would try to shape myself to better fit who I imagined they wanted me to be, all the while avoiding who I really was, and never giving myself credit for being enough. (woah, crazy right?!) But not anymore! I wont allow others opinions of me to take away from my happiness or peace. How did I come to this understanding? I simply made the decision that I am in charge of my happiness, not anyone else.
What am I looking to get out of this course? Well, a deeper connection to Source for one. To me, Source is God is Universe is Soul is Allah is whatever you want to call it. The connection that we all share to one another and this earth and the universe we are experiencing right now. The source of creation. We all come from it, we all are it, and we are all functioning and co-creating with source RIGHT NOW. (hint, what are you thinking about right now? Whatever you’re consistently thinking about is what you experience. Notice if you’re focused on the lack of ‘it’ or the ‘it.’ Anyways that’s an entirely different post. See, I told you, rambling.)
I am looking to connect with the other humans who have been chosen (yes, I was chosen by Jonni himself!!!) to participate in this experience.
I am excited to spend time learning about something that is so fascinating to me. The way of the mind! Such a powerful, devious, empowering, liberating, mischievous little f*cker.
I’m looking to gain a little more clarity about the direction I want my life to go in next. I’ve been spread quite thin with many different projects and ideas and I want to hone in on exactly the message I want to share and the method in which to share that message.
I think that is it, for now at least. I’m trying to keep an open mind and see what is in store for me, letting the Universe have some fun planning things out, while I keep my attention on the end goal, which for me, is HAPPINESS. Let’s see what these next few weeks has in store, shall we?!
Thanks for reading and S T A Y T U N E D!